


Letting Go

by Raven_Henderson (orphan_account)



Category: Hatsune Miku - Fandom, Hitorie (Band), Vocaloid, Wowaka (artist), akiakane (artist), yama_ko (artist)
Genre: Depression, Emotional Detatchment, F/M, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-21
Updated: 2019-04-21
Packaged: 2020-01-23 04:11:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18542011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Raven_Henderson
Summary: Excerpt from work: "Honestly, I have to say that there are many possible interpretations for Wowaka’s song “The Rolling Girl”, [upon which this story is partially based,] and we may never know what he truly meant by it. We can only hope to continually improve our understanding of it. He will be truly missed, and I feel we can show appreciation for him and his associates by trying to understand how he thought, and how he affected those around him."--Raven





	Letting Go

**Author's Note:**

> This is the stORY OF A GIIIIIIRL   
> WHO CRIED A RIVER AND DROWNED THE WHOLE WOOOOORLD*  
> Okay I’m kidding   
> But really though  
> This is sort of based on Wowaka’s “The Rolling Girl.” May he rest in peace. http://www.nicovideo.jp/watch/sm9989443
> 
> *Song: ”Absolutely”, by Nine Days

I thought I would be fine without you. Really.

_No. that’s a lie. You knew you couldn’t live without me. And yet you left me._

I didn’t deserve you.

_That’s irrelevant._

The alarm is going off. I’m getting up.

_But you didn’t sleep._

So? Since when did you care?

_I’ve always cared._

Whatever.

_You better cover up better today. Someone might notice._

Maybe I want someone to notice.

_Notice that you’re a piece of trash? Notice that you can’t even sleep or eat or—_

Shut up.

_Fine._

Today I’ll talk to her.

_No, you won’t._

I’ll talk to her and ask her to sit with me at lunch. We’ll talk about classes and the weather.

_She can never replace me and you know it._

Stop.

 

 

She’s looking at us. What do I do?

_Smile. Pretend everything is fine._

Oh no. She’s coming over here and I’m not ready…

_…for commitment. For a relationship. For a replacement._

She’s here!

_Stay calm. There’s nothing to be nervous about. She doesn’t know._

“Hi.”

Hi.

“So… you wanna grab lunch?”

Sure.

“Great! I heard it’s something actually good today, for once…”

This is working.

_Don’t mess it up like you always do._

“..ru? Haru? Is everything okay?”

I’m fine. Everything’s fine.

“Okay.”

Let’s go over here. There’s a nice spot under the tree.

“That sounds nice.”

We’re talking, and sitting near each other. Like normal people.

_Great._

”…So, how's art class? I saw you there, I didn’t know we shared so many classes.”

It’s nice. I like painting. It calms me.

_That’s a lie. You hate painting._

“Neat! I’m sure you saw my awful scrawling. The teacher thought it had ‘great composition’ or something, so he put it on the board—”

_You’re sweating too much. You’re getting dizzy._

Heh. Yeah. I know how that goes.

“Yep.”

The conversation is fading

_You’re fading_

**I like you**

**_WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!_ **

“H-huh?”

**I like you**

**_STOP_ **

**I’ve liked you for a while**

**_So dizzy_ **

**I like your art**

**_You shouldn’t have been cutting so much last night_ **

**It makes me feel like I’m not lost, just for a moment**

**_Something is leaking_ **

**Like an anchor in a storm**

“I…”

**And I love your gentle smile**

**_The bandages_ **

“Haru…”

**_You’re scaring her_ **

**I feel so cold**

“Haru? Wait—”

**_SHE SAW_ **

**I need you**

**“—ru! Help! HE—”**

_Are you proud of yourself?_

I talked to her. We ate lunch under the tree. I confessed.

_No. You terrified her. She had to deal with your bloody, dead-weight—_

I told her what I wanted to say. What I had to say.

_You blew your chances._

Maybe. But I shared my feelings. It felt good.

_You aren’t ready._

I don’t care.

_If you’re wrong, you’ll lose everything. The other students will laugh at you, you’ll be an outcast—_

I already am an outcast. I have nothing to lose, and you know that.

_You need me._

It’s already done. There’s no turning back. I’m waking up now.

 

**_End of Part One._ **

**Author's Note:**

> End Notes:  
> Youtube user broski.unlimited left a great comment about their interpretation of the song on a youtube repost of the original PV, and this was also a big part of the inspiration for this story. Here’s the comment [slight grammatical fixes in parentheses]:   
> “Miku is a girl that’s struggling with depression and self-harm. The boy in the video is her depression. I think when she sings the verse ‘mou ikkai, mou ikkai, watashi o douka korogashite,’ translated to ‘one more time, one more time, please just let me roll for another day,’ [it means] she’s telling herself to live just one more time. The voices in Miku’s head drives her insane and constantly cause her to think about committing suicide. She maybe [has] been bullied at school or is causing self-harm, which is why she has bandages. To those who have watched the video in the end, she hugs the guy, [in other words], her depression, meaning she has given up and committed suicide.”
> 
>  
> 
> Another Youtube user by the name of VGA247 left the following comment, which kind of explains the chorus a little better, in my opinion:  
> “I think that ‘rolling’ is supposed to be like rolling a die, which symbolizes a random chance of what the outcome shall be. This meaning that she doesn’t care at all what happens in her life and will take whatever happens.”  
> This fits very well, especially given the lyric “Hey, I said, whatever happens is fine--  
> A hill road that even invites causing a mistake.”
> 
> Personally, I think that the end of the video represents Miku “Letting Go”, whatever that may mean to you. This story explores one possible definition of that term.
> 
> Additionally, the original PV for “The Rolling Girl” (linked above) features some excellent animation and typography by akiakane and wonderful editing by yama_ko. Go check them out.  
> Also similar to “Drowning”, by Sometimes You, a beautiful, moving story about depression. I highly recommend it. http://www.SometimesYou.com/
> 
> Honestly, I have to say that there are many possible interpretations for Wowaka’s song “The Rolling Girl”, upon which this story is partially based, and we may never know what he truly meant by it. We can only hope to continually improve our understanding of it. He will be truly missed, and I feel we can show appreciation for him and his associates by trying to understand how he thought, and how he affected those around him. However, it is important that we give his family peace by doing so in a manner that would not be disruptive or painful (i.e. refraining from spamming them with questions, no matter how sincere our intentions), and to remember that he was just a person like us, imperfect and equal to us. We shouldn’t place him on a pedestal, as many have already to him and other celebrities. Simply try to get to know him as you would a friend.
> 
> \--Raven


End file.
